A run with Changing Woman

     It has been an interesting Fall. Pretty typical in many ways- a little snow followed by day after day of beautiful, sunny days. The shorter days still get me down and I always seem to come down with some sort of respiratory illness. One experience stands out however, as reshaping this season of change.
     In mid October I ran the Canyon De Chelly 55K over in Chinle Arizona. It was a rare chance to run in the Canyon, as it is usually closed to anyone without a Navajo guide. The race director placed a heavy emphasis on spirituality in running, and how it relates to Navajo culture. I'm the first to admit that aspects of Navajo culture are difficult to understand, as they should be for a white kid from the suburbs. Running as a spiritual immersion in nature though is an almost daily occurrence for me. It is the primary reason I run, and it was refreshing to have this at the forefront of an organized event. What really struck me about so many of the Navajo I met was how they have retained their beliefs in a modern world that seems to offer no place for that world view. They all have smart phones and internet and so many of the normal modern conveniences. They also conduct ceremonies with eagle feathers and fire at dawn, and shout to announce their presence to their deceased ancestors as they run up the Canyon. I often struggle with this dichotomy. My beliefs are often black and white. How can I talk of being one with mother nature when I'm wearing a digital watch and shoes made from plastic?   I often waffle between wanting to run barefoot and studying up on lactate threshold. One of the lessons I took away from running that race was that I can balance these parts of myself. I don't have to go all or nothing. The polyester draped over my skin does not preclude me from feeling like just another animal running for my survival.
     The other important lesson I was reminded of was of family. Particularly those who count on me directly in their lives. My lady, our dogs and the cat depend on me to keep this happy little existence rolling along. I have cursed myself for adopting pets and the obligations it brings. I'm selfish and I like my life exceedingly simple. I know, however, that I am dependent on others. People I know, and some I've never met, must get up every morning and do what they do for all the dominoes to fall just right so that I can keep doing what I'm doing. It's a big complex web. There is still a large part of our society that I don't want to take part in. Lately though, the role I need to play to protect and nurture what I believe in is a little more defined.
     As a "race" Canyon De Chelly was a failure for me. I ran too fast, blew up, cramped, and finished almost an hour slower than I had hoped. It was a bit embarrassing, as I should know better. As a learning experience it was great. It was probably just what I needed.  

Animal Spirit

"I have heard people tell me that at times they wish to get in touch with the animal spirit. I will tell you this about the animal spirit: it will tear you in two as quickly as it will bring you wholeness. It is not a thing of value or judgement. It is a thing of purity, and it will not take issue with either death or ecstasy." - Craig Childs

     These are photos from a traverse of nine peaks in the La Platas. It was supposed to be ten peaks, but quite honestly I was stupid and took too little water. I was just ready to be done, and I saw no reason to torture myself any longer. Parts of the traverse were fun. Much of it was not. One of those things that looked good on the map, bit in reality was a big pile of crappy scree. I'm glad I did it, but I don't think I'll repeat this one.
     I've tried numerous times to write something about my experience at this year's Hardrock. I don't know what to say. I tried the blow by blow race report, but I don't possess the skills to make it interesting. I know that I have never pushed so hard for so long. The support from family and friends was overwhelming. It was truly a team effort. To boil it down to one word it is LOVE. Love of the mountains, my pacers, support crew, and the better version of myself that I get a glimpse of.  I'm still struggling to assimilate those lessons into the rest of life, but I'm just a little closer.

Cool, clear water

Looking towards Grant-Swamp pass from the trail up to Oscar's pass

Heading into Swamp Canyon towards the pass

The final loose climb to Grant-Swamp pass. Much more fun to descend!

Looking back into Swamp Canyon with Oscar's pass on the skyline a bit right of center

Looking Southeast from Grant-Swamp pass

The classic view of Island Lake with Fuller, Vermillion, and Golden Horn in the background

     I am a terrible swimmer. I was reminded of this fact yesterday as I swam out to the island in Island Lake. Luckily it was a short swim. It is something I have wanted to do since I first saw it, but it often still has ice in it when I am there, so I had refrained from taking the plunge. Yesterday, however, as I descended towards the Lake from Grant-Swamp pass the water looked pure and inviting, so I stripped down to my shorts and swam out there. Yeah, it was pretty freakin' cold. But the water was so clean and pure it primarily just felt  invigorating. I'd like more days like that. Full immersion in the natural landscape.  Moving towards something, not due to a thought, but because of an instinct.

TIME

     And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
     And racing around to come up behind you again
     The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
     And shorter of breath and one day closer to death

     -Pink Floyd  "Time"

JEMEZ

     I'm still tired. It is Tuesday morning, and I still feel a lingering fatigue from Saturday's race. This was my third running of the Jemez 50 mile trail run in Los Alamos New Mexico. So far this is the only ultra I have repeated. I think there are a number of factors as to why I go back, but primarily I'd say it is because it is so hard. Jemez can always find a weakness. My primary weakness still seems to be running flats. I know, that should be the easier part, but it is the terrain I struggle on the most. People laugh when I tell them I'm not really a runner, but a mountaineer (a glorified term for steep hiking) but it is somewhat true. The slow plod is my forte and I LOVE going up. Flats just get inside my head.
     I don't want to bore anyone with a blow by blow race report. Let's just say it was hot, it hurt, my mind turned inward, and I didn't feel like crying until around mile 47. I had a few mantras that popped into my head, primarily song lyrics.
"I'm still walkin', so I'm sure that I can dance" was a favorite, as well as the more humorous:
"His brain was was boiling, his reason was spent"
It comes as no surprise that Grateful Dead songs whirled around in my brain, but it seemed even more appropriate because of how much the weekend reminded me of my show going days. Hanging out and camping with friends (in a gravel parking lot with dogs, no less) up at odd hours, watching the sun come up, meeting weird new people, seeing people you only know from other events, and staring blankly at the ground the next day. There were so many parallels to those days. Of course, it is also very different, for obvious reasons, but it fills a similar space. Community, connection, feeling a little less like a freak (half the people there are wearing clown shoes!) are all pretty similar. Now, instead of frying neurotransmitter sites with too much serotonin, it is my piriformis that gets abused, and endorphins are the drug of choice. The more things change the more they stay the same, I suppose. I could go on with this metaphor, but I would lose almost everyone (The Caldera was like a slow twisted Dark Star etc.)
    Anywho, I enjoyed my weekend, and now it is time for the crash. Back to reality, work and all the other things I am "running away from."

Jemez has the best finisher awards

Careful, Weir everywhere!

Redundant

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

     Do these words freak out anyone else out there? Even just a little? They are from Dr. Seuss' OH THE PLACES YOU'LL GO, and I re-read it every few years. It never gets any less eerie. I know it is a kids book, but I still find it so perfectly simple and effective at summing up the confusion of adult life.
     This being my first post in quite a while, I feel I have to offer an explanation. When I started this blog it was with the intention of letting friends and family in far away places know what I'm doing with my life. Being lazy and quite lousy at keeping in touch with people, it seemed an easy way to let any and all that cared to take a peek. Very quickly it has started to feel redundant. I do the same crap over and over again. Not to say I'm not enjoying myself, but rather I lack the writing skill to describe the more subtle differences in my experiences. From a more objective standpoint I eat, sleep, work, and run around in the mountains. I will take the exact same run four or five days a week for the entire summer, just like last summer. I'm pretty sure no one really wants to hear about that in detail. Most of the time nothing of interest happens on these runs for me, and certainly not for someone reading about it. Why do it? Well, I suppose there is a healthy dose of escapism in there. Also, as I'm sure I've said before, it is a way to get a little connection with Nature. A little recharge of my soul, if you will. Sometimes I have amazing feelings of primal belonging, but when I try to write about it I always find it trite.
     So then I'm left to relate the rare times I do or feel something special. Big races, especially beautiful moments, heavy things that weigh on my mind. More and more, however, I find that my life is less about epiphany and more about refinement. It all seems so boring in print.
     So when there are these long lapses between posts, and find yourself wondering "what is that jack ass up to?" here is a quick reference to how I spend my time.

- I run, frequently. I don't know  how many miles. I somewhat keep track of time, but I don't add it up. I don't run on pavement, and I rarely run anything flat. In fact, running is a misleading term. There is more than a little hiking involved. Let's just say that moving efficiently through the mountains is my form of meditation. This can include running, climbing, hiking, or sliding on my butt. I tend to put it all under the heading of "running." Moving as lightly as possible through the wilderness is my religion. Races are my pilgrimage.

- I work. I don't like to talk about this one much. It is a necessary evil. It puts a roof over our head and food in our bellies in exchange for about 37 hours a week. I can wear flip flops and t-shirts, so it isn't all bad. I sell stuff. Most of it people don't need. Most of it is made in China out of petro chemicals. I'm certainly no saint.

- I have an amazing girlfriend, and I'm not sure why she puts up with me. She has hope, passion, and a slew of other attributes in which I am deficient. We try to spend as much time together (especially outside) as possible. Together we have two dogs and a cat that, I'm quite sure, are the cutest and most fit furballs around. The dogs are my most frequent running partners. They are my role models. Sound strange? Yeah, I am, you should know this by now.

- I sleep. More than most people, yet barely enough. About 8 hours a night, and often naps on my off days. Maybe that is why I like running so much. It justifies my love of eating and sleeping.

- I eat. This one is ever evolving and the source of much thought and guilt. What is healthier? What is best for the planet? What creates the least suffering? I used to live on coffee and bagels. The above mentioned ladyfriend has helped change this. The food system in the U.S. (and most of the world) is FUBAR  and I'm struggling with it. Don't worry, I still eat plenty of food. There is just a lot more thought as to where it comes from. Some day I'll be able to grow my own.

- I read. Books, magazines, websites and blogs. You guessed it, I read a lot about running. Training, nutrition, injury prevention and rehab are all favorites. I also read about the environment and other issues. So much of it is scary and depressing, but i can't ignore it. I'm also interested in Native history. I find so much inspiration and amazement in examining cultures that were able to live in balance with the world. There is so much knowledge to be gained from people who have lived with such intimate contact with the earth. I don't read much fiction. Reality is so much more...freaky.

Repeat...

     So if I don't post for a while, well, no news is usually good news. I am probably just grinding on through weirdish wild space, striving to be like Rosie and Scot, and live a life governed by food, water, shelter and love.

Gaia

The city deer are living well

Telepathic mind meld

Parrot Peak La Plata Mountains

La Plata Canyon

     I just finished reading THE END OF NATURE by Bill McKibben. If you have not read it I recommend it, though I will warn you it is not a happy book. I won't describe the book because he explains the concepts more concisely than I can. Let's just say that I agree with many of his conclusions. In an odd way, however, I did find the book uplifting. Yes, we as a species have screwed up the planet to the point where our presence can be felt anywhere. The part that makes me feel happy is when he talks about the Gaia hypothesis. The Gaia hypothesis  is a scientist version of what many an eastern philosophy have always said; that Earth is more or less one big organism, not a lifeless rock on top of which life happens to grow. We will likely turn this world into a place uninhabitable for humans. So what? Mother Earth will be just as happy with amoebas as humans. We are not the special child we think we are.
     If you are one of the breeders, and you want a better future for your kids and grandkids, then this book could make you want to change your way of life. Or maybe you think that we can bio-engineer our way out of the climate crises. That is up to you. I will live as simply as I can manage because I'm selfish, and I like nature the way it is, without people messing with it.  More importantly I will immerse myself in the warm embrace of Mother Earth despite the risk of putting myself at the mercy of a being that has none. The Ponderosa Pines I view from my window are just as important as I am. I am not special.
     We have polluted the water with livestock so that it is no longer safe to drink from even the clearest mountain stream. The atmosphere so altered from human emissions that the life giving sun can fry our delicate skin. Well, I'm not giving in. Yeah, I'll take some precautions here and there. I'll treat my water, most of the time. I'll keep my shirt on, most of the time. There will,however, be times when I'll just be  the animal I really am. I may end up with Giardia and skin cancer. That is my fault, the fault of human destruction through laziness. It will not be the fault of nature. Removing myself to the human created world is, in my opinion, even more dangerous. I'm exposed to more carcinogens in the "civilized" world than in the God forsaken desert. Luckily for me, Gaia just don't give a shit.